The following is an amalgamation of the the last two weeks, but obviously other events took precedence last week, however, it was too much fun to leave out:
It has happened again! In almost the exact same spot as well!
And I am not talking about Steve Doyle's eagle on the first hole (congratulations to Steve), amazing as that is - by my count that is four eagles on par 4's in competition this year so far for the men (please feel free to correct me if I am wrong) and one albatross courtesy of Doop.
No, what I was talking about was the inconceivable "Dexter Bounce", which is back again, although this time it was Merv, taking a break from "bisexualiseing" the fairway, and instead choosing to carve a hard flat slice into the Southern Alps off the 3rd tee. And yet, and yet, it somehow managed to find it's improbably impossible way back inbounds. Even Merv couldn't believe it, ignoring his actual ball to go and play his provisional instead, having assumed that the ball just sitting nicely under the hedge was somebody else’s.
As it turned out, this turned into a bit of a theme for Merv, who managed to play the wrong ball for the “first time ever” earlier on in his round. He told us on a number of occasions that he had “never done that before”, before promptly repeating the trick on the 17th, preferring to play the ball in the greenside bunker to his own, which was lying six feet from the pin (one can only assume that he must not be used to seeing his shots end up quite so close to the hole).
In the meantime, Crusher was doing his best impression of a hungry cat staring up at an unattainable bird perched at the tippity-top of a tree, hoping that some miracle would intervene and bring it into range. Of course, Crusher was hoping that this particular tree would regurgitate the ball he had just hit into it, instead of an actual bird (it didn’t).
A tree on the first though, did manage the trick, but more on that later (and not for Crusher, who has ever since been on sparkling form).
It turns out that what you need, was not just a Dexter Bounce, but "Danny Bennett's Boomerang Balls" (patent pending).
Never have I played with anyone seemingly so intent on losing a golf ball.
And never have I seen a golf ball so intent on staying found.
This ball went to all corners of the course and on two occasions, beyond the boundaries of the course as well, as it sought to escape the loving attention of Danny’s clubs.
We still found it though - once on the other side of a live electric fence
So disgusted was Danny at the end of the round that he gave the ball away, only for the first ball he had played at the start of the round - to be returned to him by another group when they got back to the bar. Danny had fired this ball at a particular tree and the four of us had surrounded this tree like a pride of well-past-their-prime-lions staring up into the branches desperate for a glimpse of hope (we got bored after that, hence Crusher being left to his own devices later in the round).
"Danny Bennett's Boomerang Balls" available from a retailer near you soon (ok, it does sound like something you should talk to your doctor about)
Last week was also the week that we said goodbye to the nemesis of many a local golfer on the 8th hole - the worst placed tree in all of golfing-dom. I hated that tree, not only was it bad enough when I put a dodgy drive into one of the left-hand side fairway bunkers, but then having to try and circumnavigate a bloody great pine tree out of the sand was taking the mickey.
Of course, I shouldn't have been in the bunker, but to have a double hazard is unique in my experience - not many golf designers plant sodding trees right behind a bunker in a direct line to the green (none do actually, it's a stupid idea). So good riddance, and may you please rot/burn in pieces – and thanks to the grounds team for clearing it up so quickly.
This week, I had the pleasure of playing with Ronnie, Dexter and Tim, and it was far less eventful, but just as much fun.
Tim did continue the Timaru GC tradition of staring up a tree, wondering what it had done with his ball, this time on the 16th hole, and it occurred to me that we seem to forget that trees have evolved over millions of years to funnel stuff (they usually prefer water, but apparently golf balls are ok too) from their outer branches to their trunks and then down to be absorbed by their roots (hence why they prefer water). The invention and subsequent history of golf is a mere evolutionary time blip by comparison, but the effect is still the same - generally a lot of foul language
Of course, golf is a sport where it is very easy to get cross with oneself, regardless of the detrimental effect this will have on your game. As a result, I have decided to start an award for the dirtiest diction in the club. Now while I am not above the odd inappropriate idiom, there are some that turn it into a veritable art-form. At the moment, it is a toss-up though as to who has the foulest mouth in the club, I had thought it might be Dick whose verbosity in self-flagellation has to be heard to be believed, but I reckon Russell and Tim are up there in terms of their ability to make a sailor blush as well
Further commentary to follow, and a trophy will be awarded at the AGM – any swaying of the judges (me and, er, me) is positively encouraged, but not necessarily rewarded.
Stay safe, and play well
Steve
PS - A Special mention to PGA Tour Professional, Kim Si-woo, who managed to rack up 13 shots on a par 3 last weekend (it was definitely 13, not 12). Rumours that our very own Jimmy Annett has since applied to play on the PGA Tour as he is at least one shot better than a PGA Tour Pro, are yet to be verified.